What is sexy?

I went to Victoria's Secret yesterday in hopes that I would finally buy some new intimates because it has been quite a long time since I last got some. There was the "semi-annual" sale at the store so I knew that there was probably at least a 25% chance I could afford something new. I found some great deals but when I went to try my things on, I found myself staring at a person who just doesn't have the body type or confidence to pull off such pieces. Needless to say that I was a bit depressed as I left the store empty handed. Trying intimates on under fluorescent lights is probably the worst thing ever for it accentuates all the flaws on your body. That is why I haven't been able to get up enough nerve to buy new things, I don't want to be reminded that I don't have the body that society tells me I should have.

And it got me thinking, "why do I feel like I should shop at these types of stores? Am I doing it for me or am I doing it for someone else?" I know a lot of my friends wear very sexy underwear for themselves but I've never felt that comfortable doing so..mostly because I find that "sexy underwear" is a bit uncomfortable to wear all the time. Of course I'm doing it for someone else. Why wouldn't I? I have to compete with actresses, models, and other females in society who dress sexy and appear to be "sexy." I don't want my boyfriend looking at these women and wishing that I was more like them. (And this rational is the reason why some people develop eating disorders).

I don't consider myself sexy. In fact, sexy isn't even a word that would be in the top 10 list to describe my physical appearance or persona. I'm "cute." Ah yes, the word that describes babies, puppies and Angela, age 23. My friends call me cute. My family calls me cute. My boyfriend calls me cute. Now in a society that tells you that you should be "sexy," cute takes a hit to the self-esteem. Like Manny from Degrassi who got fed up with being cute, I get a bit irritated with the word sometimes. "I'm a woman for pete sake's even if I look young, I'm not a Jolie-Pitt child!" When does someone stop being cute? How does one attain "sexy" status without feeling like a hooker (cough*bellinghamnewyearsevedowntowngirls*cough) or wishing she had bigger breasts so she could fill out some of these victoria secret-esque outfits?

Really, I want to know. How do I make my 12-year old "boy" body feel sexy? Can sexy be a state of mind? I do know that sometimes, I feel most sexy and once again this probably TMI but wearing a boyfriend's shirt with just some underwear and lounging around can make me feel "sexy." Why can't that be society's standards? Cause I'd be doing something right!

Oi, I have a lot of questions that don't necessarily need answers and I'm really just also rambling.. I think I'm just writing this all out just so I can "hear" myself "talk."